Whining Like A Bitch: BloodyThorn
**Everything written below is the words of BloodyThorn/Thom Green. I just figured I'd post it here so he can see how stupid he looks. Quick summary. BloodyThorn is the lunatic ego driven administrator of the WiiHacks subreddit. This guy regularly goes off on people in rages over stupid shit. This is that guy that is literally off his meds.**
Our Very Own Toxic Gaming Society
I’ve been in the gaming community pretty much my entire life. I remember the early consoles we had in the 70s. Sears And Robuck Pong, Atari 2600, etc.
For some reason, like music, I’ve always been drawn to video games. It does … something meditative for me. Which apparently I’ve needed.
I’m still discovering the scope of it … but I’ve had something fucked up in my brain since I was a kid. If I could pinpoint an age, I’d say forever. I don’t remember not having issues with my head.
Because of it, I can remember very little of my childhood. One of the wonderful side-effects is I have very traumatic reactions to situations that might only warrant prudent concern.
Sorta like thinking you’re going to die from a splinter. Disagreeing with a loved one can cause panic attacks, thoughts of the world ending, etc.
In both forethought and retrospect, I realize how unhinged I am when I get ‘wound up’. If Its severe enough, I black out memory.
Even being in the same area with a tense situation I have zero involvement can put me on edge.
That combined with a healthy heaping of ADHD to fail me out of school at an early age… It was enough for my parents to dub me a problem child, and figure I was a lost cause.
They made me so ashamed of how I was, I spent my life making myself into someone else. Someone without this… issue. I had to. Not only did my parents make me feel bad about it, but pretty much every psychotic prick could weed it out of me as a weakness.
I’ve pretty much have damaged my own life by letting people provoke me into this state. Someone would call me a name because I did something unintentionally daft and it would send me spiraling. From depression, regret, violence.
I’ve abandoned previous lives a few times over this issue. Games, tech, music, they have all been my meditative release. Closer I got to being kicked out of school the quieter I got. Started becoming reluctant to open my mouth.
You’d never know it now. Now you can’t get me to shut up.
The Community I Made
My sociability had moved online by that time. For me and my mind, online communication pretty much solved most issues I had with face-to-face communication.
And while I am glad that I am now having these issues discovered and treated, I do want to say that I also entertain the possibility that even without these issues, I’m still a bad person at heart. After the issues I’ve had with social interaction it’s really hard not to believe that.
Mostly I just try to think of as many possibilities as I can so I don’t ruin myself by wedging myself into a bad place, or maybe to knock myself down a notch if I start to put myself up to high.
Let reality in as much as I can deal with anyway.
All the while I continue to mitigate my sanity with music, games, and the love of my family. The family is the most important part. I can look at them, and know that they are moral enough in my eyes to where I can judge my own actions by their reactions.
I learned the value of this when I spent time researching psychotic and sociopath behavior. Losing the ability to judge your own behavior in the reactions of others is a sign of a damaged psyche, self-mirror shattered.
But the comfort of having this now gives me a tool to use in my battle against this issue. It allows me to question what I do less, follow through more often, and generally be more comfortable with my decisions.
I know I over-react at shitty behavior. It’s ultimate irony. If someone treats me or someone I care for poorly or unfairly, I’ll react by doing the same. Or at least I generally used to.
My place in the Wii modding community is… well nothing really. I started this subreddit 11 years ago. That’s it. I was lucky to still be in control of it when it doubled in size in less than a year…
Since I have the opportunity to build on a community with momentum, I decided to try to put some real effort into it. Make it a comfortable and welcoming place for people. Fun activities. Non-threatening conversations.
One thing to take into consideration, due to my mental state, working a legit day-job as I have most of my life drains my personality. In maintaining the skill levels my neurosis feel is appropriate, as well as maintaining well oiled social relationships at my workplace would turn me into a zombie in all other aspects of my life.
So adding yet another commitment didn’t really seem like something I should do. But I did anyway. Eventually my enthusiasm bled over to a few of our moderator staff who became admins.
Eventually my partner became interested, and then fully involved in both expanding and monetizing the community. It was only natural that any effort I had should be put into it until I solved my head issues.
Not to say the ride hasn’t been bumpy. While I went to college to earn my CompSci degree, I had to basically ignore the subreddit for the same reasons I pointed out above. School literally took everything I had and more.
First off, the social climate of the online communities have changed drastically. I mean, yes there were toxic communities when I was a kid. But it would seem that like normal face-to-face social activities, it had been pretty much infiltrated by the same type of bully I used online to flee from years before.
As Above, So Below
One of the reasons I ignored the subreddit for so long was I enjoyed socializing on reddit, but you need skin thicker than I have to do it for any length of time. Having people jumping on you and attack you just because they want a scuffle gets tiring for me. Quickly.
Coming back to the community and being fully active again was no picnic. Seems the control of the subreddit had fallen into the hands of one of these abusive pricks while I wasn’t looking.
Just to make sure I wasn’t over-reacting, I took months to think it over, make sure it wasn’t just a once off thing, then twice off thing, then thrice, nope, he’s an abusive fuck.
Not that his behavior, monitoring him from afar, and eventually some of the moderators that got to review the event, didn’t confirm that what I was doing was necessary.
I cannot have a bully on the staff of my community. Dude not only showed a willingness to abuse his authority, but also to not respect the wishes I had for my community. I caught him on multiple occasions chest puffing, and threatening people in my community… and insulting me behind my back.
Of course it’s easy to feel smug in a decision like this when it warrants this guy harassing me for the better part of a year.
I’ve always been reluctant to call the subreddit, and now multi-platformed community mine. But really it is. I put money into it. It makes money and is classified as a business. It pays taxes. Hopefully someday it might pay a bill of mine. But it’s as mine as any business I’ve owned.
Diving back into it, I kinda knew what I was getting into. I saw how the landscape had changed. Human’s ain’t nice a lot of the time. And boy the gaming community be toxic in places.
About the word ‘toxic’. I understand that its over-used, and a general catch-all for bad behavior. But I can just as easily say that the gaming community is filled with unwarranted bravado, machismo, testosterone, and bullying behavior and it would probably be less understandable and harder to say.
Reconnected? Not now. Prolly not ever.
My first inter-community encounter was with an icon of another very large and very popular community. I’ve decided to avoid names. But by my recounting of the events it won’t take someone long to figure out who I am talking about.
I want to say that I felt like he was a great guy, and felt welcoming and glad to make me be at least a small part of the Wii Modding community. But really over the first few encounters, I got the feeling that I was being threatened not to compete with them.
None of it was overt, and it could have all very well been in my head. I understand the person in question has some of the same type of mental issues I am dealing with and I come off as a self-righteous asshole.
But of course that didn’t really stand up as future encounters piled on. This person acting affronted because our community decided to have community events. And his community has community events. So? Didn’t help.
That was a fun encounter. But this thing is long enough as it is.
Then one of the few times they decide to speak up and participate in my community, they do it by insulting my community’s artwork.
And lastly, publicly inquiring as to my financial situation was the final straw. While they are still welcome in our community, I blew up on them after this chain of interactions enough to drive them out of the community.
While I am ashamed of my over-reaction, I don’t really find it unwarranted. I know me being a colossal prick in response to being straight up disrespected doesn’t make any situation better. I’m insane, not stupid.
Foes I Never Asked For
I become over protective of those who I have an agreement of benefit with. Doesn’t really matter what pretenses. You’re my friend, my business associate, my girlfriend… I risk reacting poorly every time I decide to be chivalrous for those I care for. How’s that for a deserving curse?
I tend to be ready to take a bullet for people quicker than I probably should. But I’ve always been that way. I beat up bullies picking on people in school. It was nice being the big kid and hating bullies. Made me a lot of friends.
How I am defensive of this has changed over the years. I’ve become a lot more thoughtful as to how I myself want to be treated.
I understand I am an abrasive asshole. It really didn’t take long to figure that out in my life. But really, regardless, if you want to be left alone in your misery, it’s your fucking right.
Be considerate when you’re out of your domain, be profusely apologetic as an initial reaction when you’re politely warned of being in the wrong. Past that, you are king of the domain you build for yourself and to share with your own.
Friction will happen. But when it does, you know what is beyond bad manners? Harassing someone after they have expressed the willingness to be left alone. Following them into their domain, shitting on their rug, and pissing in their face.
I know that most people who do this are doing it to start a fight. That’s fine, I can scrap with the best of them. But don’t expect me to come to your place to do it. I want to be left alone. Come to my place to do it? I will use every thing in my power to get you out of it.
I’m not out to win, just to be left alone. You win, leave me alone.
One of my moderators once had an issue with the moderator of another community. To my understanding my moderator just wanted to be left alone in severing association. In response, they were stalked, threated, told to kill themselves.
When I asked them to leave this person alone, and that they weren’t welcome in our community as I feared for the safety of my moderator, they targeted my community.
It was like a tasmanian devil. Spitting, biting, insulting at everything and everyone that moved in front of it. Again, all we wanted was to be left alone. We weren’t out to hurt anyone, we try our hardest not to insult people and are quick to apologize when we do … until we ourselves are slighted.
Then you’ve opened yourself up.
Anyway, luckily I think this one realized they were unstable and disappeared from the scene. We have yet to have any more issues/encounters with said party.
Aches Is Gone.
Recently, I had to boot a moderator that I thought I was on good terms with.
Someone who they knew from other server had joined them in our community. Their friend then saw fit to act like a jack-ass. Which in a community the size of rWiiHacks, it’s pretty much a common occurrence.
They were warned. And they were warned politely. How do I know this? They weren’t warned by me. Had I saw what they did I wouldn’t have been nearly as nice. But the Angel that is my partner is… gave them a very polite and explicit warning on what behavior we expect, and what isn’t welcome.
The reaction apparently warranted calling the person who warned them a ‘dumdum’. And my decision my decision to ban someone for openly resisting someone who OWNS AND RUNS this community when asking them to be more polite was too much.
The shitstorm that ensued is the driving force behind this Novella.
The moderator that was this individuals friend threw a fit in objecting to the banning. After a half a day of arguing with the Admins and nearly a day of me thinking about it trying to be levelheaded, I removed this person as a moderator from this community.
The final and main reason; They still didn’t see what this person was doing as bullying behavior. Calling someone a name. Marginalizing the name they were called, and proceeding to try to make you feel bad for reacting to … well an insult.
This is why you can’t use the phrase ‘retard’ anymore. It’s been used in this way since I was a kid until finally society caught up with the fact that when you call someone a retard, you are in fact insulting them as well as marginalizing the mentally impaired.
Oh, and the guy that was banned? They had apologized nearly immediately, and were unbanned immediately after that.
That didn’t stop the half day-long argument with the moderator in question. I was already making an accommodation for the legality of their ability to be a moderator, but to know that they’d taken advantage of that consideration by defending their bullying friends was too much.
Had it been the first time this person had caused friction, or shown dissatisfaction in the way the community was run, they might have stayed a moderator. They even apologized for misunderstanding the situation.
But there was no reason for them to stay a moderator with the possibility of this happening yet again. I remember they said it wouldn’t happen again… what if I had asked for that promise the first time they freaked out or displayed a disrespect for the community?
The incident that finalized me writing everything down was the other day. A user came into our community asking for help. They proceeded to start a fight with the person who helped them. Something that I believe is against the rules in our community.
We kicked the dude, but he proceeded to log onto one of the other discords the person helping them patronized to continue to harass them. I was unsure if the moderation of the discord would be aware of what just went on in my community so I had popped onto a discord that a socially timid person like me has nearly never talked on due to the fear of toxic behavior in the community.
I was greeted by two offensive users; the ex moderator and their friend that they lost their moderator position for. They wouldn’t allow me to do what I had came for, and attacked me the second I said anything.
Once one of the moderation staff joined in, I was done. I PMed the moderator, told them my grievance, left it at that, and was ok with it. I tried my best to avoid the two pricks who had taken it upon themselves to be my judge jury and executioner on this discord.
By the morning hours had passed, and despite the fact that I hadn’t said more than boo in this server, those two users continued to berate me in the channel. Paragraphs worth.
I popped on one last time, I told the dude he was being a bully, I booted him for being a bully and glad that he could confirm my decision to do so, as well as validating my reasons for removing the moderator that defended him.
The other moderator for the community I am guessing was just catching up with the kerfuffle and decided then and there rather than see that I had been attacked in their community, decided to continue to attack me since I was the one reacting at the time.
A warning would have been plenty. But no… I was called a retard for arguing with a kid that I had no idea was a kid. I don’t ask people their age when they are assholes to me so I know whether or not they are worth defending myself from.
This argument consisted of me attempting to warn the moderation staff, paragraphs of those two asshats insulting me, me defending myself and trying to figure out whether I want to remain in that discord, and the Moderation staff joining in on the gang bang.
Yeah, fuck that mentality. Toxic.
I left the sever, told the offending moderator as politely as possible to go fuck themselves, and was done with it.
The asshole that started the incident, the person who’s shitty behavior lost me what up until then I considered a good moderator… they tried to harass me again tonight. I expected it.
After they threw the second insult at me, I just kept cutting and pasting for them to leave me and my community alone. They said they were going to report me for spamming… in an unsolicited PM of theirs where they were insulting and harassing me…
Wonder how well that’s going for them?
Is it me?
Yeah, I think so. I mean, I’m not an asshole all the time. My family loves me for who I am. I respect their opinions of what is good enough in the world to know I don’t go out of my way to be an evil prick.
But make no mistake, I’ve done my share of evil deeds, and I still work on keeping them in check today. I’m a handful.
But as long as your deciding to take the offensive with me, or misbehave in my house, or attack what I care for, there is no good/evil with me. Just survivability and the re-establishment of security.
I’ve been living in this shitty state of mind my entire life. My priorities however are simple; Stop; Leave Me and Mine Alone; Be Civil if you’d like to work it out. You will always get the same consideration by default.
While I might be a fun person to poke at, unfortunately I hold grudges. My mind fixates on situations like this like a fly to poop. Fly needs food, but it’s still poop. I also have laser focus. My condition might cause me to hurt those around me as collateral, but I will make sure if I do, I will eliminate my target.
I wish I could let it go. And I am really sick of people telling me to just let it go. Look up compulsive/obsessive. What I can do is keep my worse impulses in check. And I do that pretty well. Not great, but well enough.
So if you have an incident with me I beg you to try to resolve it with me. If not, we don’t even have to shake hands, let’s just part ways. But if you decide that you still want to buy the ticket, you will take the ride, and it will be scary. So hope you like that kinda thing ;)